Now I know why they call it TRYING to conceive. Trying to get pregnant, trying to time things right, trying to keep hope while trying not to get my hopes up.

CD4 today. Yesterday I started pills that will hopefully make me ovulate. I'm in a study, so there's no guarantee that these are actually clomid. *crossing fingers* At least I know I got the metformin. That one was a question, until the side effects kicked in. Still, I'm relieved......of the 2, that was the one I most wanted to be sure to get.

Yesterday I was getting ready to go to the store. My young neighbor, Ms. Julia stopped by with her buddy to say hi. As they rode away on their bikes, I turned to my husband and said, "I just want one, that's all I'm asking for." Once I wanted 3, then maybe 2........and now I'm down to just 1, please.

He said, "Yeah, if that happens in the next year or 2, that'd be great. I don't want to be old and raising kids." He's going to be 34 in June, I'll be 26. I wanted to scream. I wanted to yell, YOU are the one that took forever to be ready for marriage. YOU are the one that kept saying *I* had plenty of time and now you want to put a time limit on this?!?!?

But I didn't. I'm not angry at him, I'm angry because my plan wasn't God's. I have friends, dear sweet friends who have been trying a lot longer than me. Friends who I KNOW are going to be parents, but had they had a 1-2 year time limit would already be done trying.

So as I got into my car, I said "you can't put a time limit on this, that's too much pressure, I've gotta go" hoping to escape before my tears did. Too late. T was at the drivers side of the car, saying "things under pressure only collapse or explode......don't put pressure on it. It'll be ok."

But now I'm back to worrying. I have tried not to say the "god, I want what I want when I want it" prayer, but now I worry that if it doesn't come quickly, I may not get to keep trying.

And man, is it ever trying.