Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Just call me Kermit.

Green has always been a good color for me. With pale skin, dark hair and green eyes it usually worked well. This particular shade, however, does not suit me a bit.

My brother's girlfriend is pregnant.

I want to be happy for them. I want to think, "Yay! Another niece or nephew who will think I am super cool." I'm just not there, and I have only a few days to get it together before I have to fake it.

It might be easier if the relationship between the two of them were better, if the girlfriend didn't hold my niece (a few months younger than my own daughter) over my brother as the ultimate bargaining tool, if it weren't for the fact that my niece is the main reason the two of them are still together. It might be substantially easier if my brother hadn't been considering leaving her psycho ass anyway, despite her behavior with regard to their daughter, and now that has all changed. Not saying he should or shouldn't, just saying she is too much like my own mother to be good for anyone.

It might be easier if the girlfriend wasn't giggling over her oops, or making "he just gets near me" comments - according to my sister, who was the one to tell me. She didn't want everyone to show up at my house for Christmas and have it hit me like a load of bricks when I opened the door. Because she is teeny, and 2 months along, and showing.

It might be easier, but I doubt it, because despite my thoughts that I was getting over some of this infertility crap I'm apparently not over it. I'm ashamed to say that as soon as my sister told me, the tears were in my eyes and I felt like I'd been punched in the gut. WHY? My family is complete, there were never going to be more children for me beyond two even if I hadn't had the infection and subsequent hysterectomy. It's not like I was planning/hoping for more children and now it won't happen, and it's happening for someone else.

I'm embarassed to be this upset about it. I know part of it is their lack of regard for the miracle of life and her specific lack of appreciation for the daughter they have. It's only part though. In what feels like being petty, these emotions I'm feeling are mostly about me....and this isn't about me.

It isn't about me.

I keep telling myself and yet I'm the one having the big ass pity party as if it is. Maybe it's grief over the fact that I once deluded myself about having an ooops the second time around, or at least not trying for years.

I have tried to write this so many times, and no matter how I write it, I sound like an asshole. THe thing is, I don't have it in me to write it in a nicer way, and I don't have it in me to delete it again.

It's not easy being green.


JuliaS said...

I'm green there right along with ya - and it doesn't make one lick of sense to me.

My best friend (who is the same age as I am) has an 19 year old daughter who is currently pg with baby #2 with father #2. Baby #1 is also just a couple months younger than my youngest. Not married to first one either when baby #1 happened along (did marry later one and divorce isn't finalized yet and is hitting end of the third trimester with baby #2 and second baby daddy). What gets me is that a) she is at home and expects HER mommy and daddy to take care of HER child(and probably children when the time comes) and has the nerve to call it "unwanted". She admits to not using protection - does that sound unwanted to you?

I look really good in green too. :0) I don't like feeling this green though, but not sure really how to get away from this particular shade sometimes.

If it weren't for the fact that baby #1 is a boy, instead of a girl - I would almost wonder if we knew some of the same people!

Hope your holidays are pleasant anyway.

VivC said...

You know, this is grief of a sort, sweetie - you lost the ability to choose to have another child. That's a huge thing, even if you know your family is complete. ((hugs)).

Me said...

You cannot be the @$$hole Mandy because that leaves me with no role and, consequently, makes my life meaningless.

It is the ultimately easier said than done, but be happy that you have your two little ones and try to find comfort in knowing that you will be there for your brother when fit hits the shan. Feel free to use the phrase I implement in these situations... "You know, if I were the kind of person to say 'I told you so'..." At least now that my brother-in-law was dumped by his wife I can openly refer to her as "The Whore" (she earned the capitalization).


~STEISE~ said...


The sting of infertility is one that never leaves us no matter how complete our families are or aren't. And, it stings worse when we see people who should need a license to reproduce.

Just know that you have friends here who understand.