Friday, April 30, 2004


My period and I aren't on speaking terms right now.

Its more like I'm yelling, its ignoring me. How fair is this? I don't have children yet, my lectures aren't supposed to be ignored.

I think our relationship was pretty normal for a while. First I was excited. Her arrival meant that I was a WOMAN!!!!!!!!!!!! Yeah. Of course I was 11 so this new woman status didn't even qualify me for a later bedtime. Then I started to dread it. The potential for embarassment was always there........and then there was the ordeal of buying supplies. It didn't matter if every other line was 10 people deep, shopping carts full.........I was *NOT* taking my tampons to the male checker. Hell? That was the place where you finally got a female checker only to have the cute, teenage boy walk over to bag the items.

The cramps, the was all just too much. I'd beg my period to go and/or stay away.
Then there was college. Those times when stress or hormones or a combination made her late. I'd sit with the calendar, figure out the days, and worry that even with the pill and condoms maybe I hadn't been careful enough. And of course, THAT stress made her later. So I'd beg for her to show up.

Now, I know my period is a sign of things going right. Only, they aren't going right. Without medical help, I can go 40, 60, 90 days or more without any sign of her. Right now I'm at day 45, waiting for the medicine to kick in.

I read about women taking extra birth control pills to keep their period away. They're even talking about a new treatment program that would only have women getting their period on a quarterly basis. I know from reading about my condition that not having periods can be dangerous. That a buildup of lining can lead to cancer, infertility, endometriosis and more. These women are scaring me. They don't know what a blessing it is to get that monthly reminder that YOUR BODY IS WORKING CORRECTLY, and like I once did.......they're taking it for granted.
I'm sorry for all the years I wished it away. I'd have better spent those wishes on having my body work correctly. Meanwhile, I'm not afraid to buy tampons........I just never seem to get to.

I know I'm not done wishing her away........because soon I'm going to be trying again to get pregnant, and I'll be praying she'll stay away for the right reasons

Thursday, April 29, 2004

The Baby Inquisition

I'm sitting here at work, up to my neck in paperwork, dreading my vacation.
We're going to see some friends in another state. I care about these people.....we're even "aunt" and "uncle" to their daughters. My husband has been friends with them for years and doesn't understand my uneasiness.

"When you get here, I'll tell you how to get pregnant."
"You just need to relax and let T. do his job. You're not pregnant yet because you think it's hard."
"You just need to get busy making babies."

They mean well, but no matter how many times I ask, beg, plead, or even get pissed off, they have all this advice and input on my fertility. Despite explaining to them that I have a medical condition causing these problems, they feel the need to offer me that terrible "relax" advice. *sigh*

If it weren't for the fact that I'll probably ovulate while I'm gone, I'd make him go without me.

Wednesday, April 28, 2004

On Lifetime

I shouldn't be allowed to watch those movies on Lifetime. You know, like the one where 2 women become great friends, each talking about the guy in their lives only to discover that one is married to him and the other is dating him. These movies make me suspicious.....after all, if someone wrote it, it has to be something that happens, right?

I trust my husband. He loves me. Still, I watched one of these masterpieces last night and found myself having a dream about him cheating on me. I woke up so mad. As I was laying there trying to get back to sleep, hubby rolled over. He put his arm around me and pulled me close to him, sighing with sleepy contentment.

I forgive him for cheating on me in my dream and realize, I truly am an idiot sometimes.

Monday, April 26, 2004

Denial and that River in Egypt

It's not possible that I'm going to be like so many others who have gone before me, is it? That I, having the same messed up disease they do (PCOS) could struggle for years and years with trying to get pregnant and never have it happen?

This weekend I had lunch with some dear, dear friends. Some made recently, some I met that day. I love these gals.....they're fabulous! There was one that I met that day though, that scared me. She said, "My husband and I have decided not to try to get pregnant and not to adopt." I was impressed. She knew what she wanted. And I was terrified.

Thoughts of what if I never were immediately followed by, AND I'M NOT SAYING THIS IS WHERE SHE WAS COMING FROM!!!, what if I can't. What if one day we realize there's no hope and I find myself sitting with women I've just met, and the subject of babies comes up. Am I going to hear myself say something like "we decided not to have kids" in order to avoid the messy "we couldn't have kids because when fertility was passed out, I was in the boob line?!" Am I going to sit and lie about what I wanted in hopes that I'll one day believe it.

Please, God, I hope not. All I want is a baby, coming soon to a uterus near me. Give me one, let me earn one, or stop making me have dreams about babies.

Love and Pancakes

Mary's been working as a greeter at IHOP for as long as any of her coworkers can remember. She works Saturday and Sunday mornings, during the busiest times for the restaurant. We hadn't been to that IHOP on a weekend, so when we walked in and saw her greeting a couple with an enthusiastic "Good morning, I'm so glad to see you." and a genuine hug, I thought for sure that she knew them. Then she greeted us the same way.

It brings tears to my eyes even now to think of how genuine that hug was. I've parted from friends and family members, that I know love and care about me and received hugs with less enthusiasm, less warmth, less honest to goodness LOVE.

When we left IHOP, our bellies were full.
When Mary said "God love you, I do." Our hearts were full too.
Thanks Mary......I'll be back soon.

Wednesday, April 21, 2004

My Melancholy Baby

mel·an·chol·y (mln-kl) n.
Sadness or depression of the spirits; gloom: “There is melancholy in the wind and sorrow in the grass” (Charles Kuralt).
Pensive reflection or contemplation.
Yep. That pretty much sums it up.

Saturday, April 17, 2004

Getting my kids to the hospital

My doctor said they wanted hubby to have a semen analysis done, "to make sure the problem is just you."

Whew.....there for a few months I thought the problem was all my fault. Oh. wait.
Up to this point all the tests had been mine. 2 words.......vaginal ultrasound. Now it was his turn, and I found myself trying to make it easier for him. Not that I wanted him to be uncomfortable or embarassed......wait a minute.....yes I did, a little. I wanted him to feel anxious about his results, to wonder if things would be ok, to feel a little that maybe, just maybe he might start to feel as invested in all this as I am.

Yeah, right. The big baby got to do the SA at home, because he "wouldn't feel comfortable in the doctor's collection room." As if comfort was something I got during any of my ultrasounds, pap smears, bimanual exams, blood draws, etc. *sigh*
And of course, he wouldn't feel comfortable walking the sample to the doctor's office.

*I* tucked the cup into my waistband.
*I* raced to the hospital to deliver it to the lab.
*I* broke down hysterically when I got pulled over.
*I* (ok so this was kinda cool) got the police escort to the lab from officer friendly, because *I* answered the officer's inquiry about why I was going so fast with "I'm trying to get my kids to the hospital." and then explained.

and hubby said, "whew.....I'm glad that's over."

Did I mention this happened on April Fool's Day? Yeah.

Friday, April 16, 2004

The Plan.

It was beautiful, and well thought out. The night we got engaged, we started formulating the plan. Operation Baby Making.

That night, I was 23 years 8 months. He was 31 and 8 months.
Deciding that it was time to make the most of my youth and use what was left of his to our advantage, we counted backwards to determine what was needed to have a child when I was 25.
Let me clarify. We wanted the baby BORN while I was 25. Deciding 4 months wasn't enough time to plan and save for a June wedding, we were married the day before my 25th birthday. That January I'd stopped taking birth control pills, wanting to get those out of my system and hit the! I even thought we timed it right so I wouldn't have my period on the honeymoon. At least I was right about something.

We called it the period that wouldn't come. Three months after coming off the pill there was still no sign of it, but I'd gained 20 pounds despite determined weight loss efforts. My doctor said the pill just hadn't left my system. I took provera to bring on my period, and that was the last I saw of it until after my honeymoon. My doctor wanted to see me the Monday before my wedding....I knew something was wrong and didn't want bad news to spoil the day.

Two days after we got back from the honeymoon, I got the name of the thing that explained so much of what life had been like since I was a teenager. The painful periods and irregularity, even while on the pill. .........all pointed to PCOS, prominently touted as "the #1 cause of infertility."

That my friends, is because I am an overachiever.

I'm now less than 2 months away from my 26th birthday.

How do you make God laugh? Tell him your plans.