Friday, March 21, 2008

What it is

I thought I was ready to write, fully, about the little's birth and all the things (medical and otherwise) that give us "traumatic birth" status now that I'm finally admitting that it was exactly that. Now that I'm starting to read and hear about everything that happened in such a short span of time, and starting to realize we were not only close to losing him - we were close to losing me. As it turns out, I'm not ready to write about all that. I start typing and then I shut down. It's awful, it's scary and maybe that's because there are terms such as hemorrhage, shock and atony. Then again, maybe it's because that's what was and what is currently is taking up even more of my energy.

The current situation is frustrating, demoralizing and downright depressing. 9 weeks after the birth of my son, I'm still fighting this infection and still trying to get the right people to realize there must be something left in my uterus and do something about it. I'm getting closer, I think. Both my regular doctor and my RE have said a D&C should be done sooner rather than later. My regular OB finally comes back to his office on Monday, I have an appt with him that afternoon and hopefully we'll be scheduling my D & C shortly after. No, I don't have the bleeding (hemorrhaging) or high temps that most would expect at this time, but I truly believe that's only through the grace of God and the fact I'm still on some serious antibiotics. Still, antibiotics only keep the infection to a minimum. They're not going to get this stuff out, and until it's out my ability to focus on other things is waning.

I'm exhausted. The littlest acts drain me of energy. I feel like I'm coming down with the flu, I have had a low grade fever for TWO months, and I'm just sapped. I'm sore. Did I mention I am tired?

I'm trying to hold out until Monday in hopes that my doctor, the only one in his practice other than his wife that seems to be taking this seriously, will come back from vacation ready to help me once and for all. He's good, but we need to have a talk about his colleagues.

I'm tired of wondering if and when I'm going to finally be ok again.

1 comment:

Claire said...

Once again, I'm going to say "Hang in there!" Unfortunately, it isn't even remotely funny anymore - not even almost. You ARE going to get through this in one piece and one day you'll be amazed at all that happened. You'll write it all out and people will gape in horror as you tell the story. And then you'll get a glimpse of the little from the corner of your eye and without blinking call out, "Get down from there!"

This has been unbelievable. But it will end. You will get well and things will be better. In the meantime, just call me when you feel like you can't take it anymore. At the very least, I'll make you laugh.