Thursday, July 24, 2008

This Woman's Work.

I've talked about myself a lot. What this has been like for me, how I feel about it, blah blah blah me me me blah blah blah blah me me me blah (extra points for the movie reference). In reality, though, I've thought a lot about the effect of all of this on my family. Especially my husband.

He's held me up and held my hand. Done the dishes, laundry, bedtime routines, vacuumed, gone to work and repeated that cycle over and over while doing his best to make me occasionally put my feet up. If it weren't for him, I'd probably not take the time to take care of myself at all. I still don't do it enough, but that's not his fault.

We had an argument, shortly before our wedding. I was not yet diagnosed with PCOS. We both knew something was wrong, both knew whatever was going on was getting worse, and the stress of not knowing and preparing for our wedding was starting to get to us. I don't remember the catalyst for the fight, what ultimately made it happen but I am sure my hormones and the wedding did not help. Worrying that there might be something really wrong with me had me scared. I remember shouting at him "are you in this for better or worse? What about the part about in sickness and in health? Can I count on you to be there for me, no matter what? If not, you need to say so NOW."

His diabetes diagnosis had come years earlier, when we'd only been together a year, and I think I was a bit resentful that I'd really tried to see him through it...and here I was scared about my own health issue and worried he didn't get it. I realize now he cared, very very much, and I wasn't taking the time to see it.

We waited until after the wedding to do the ultrasound and bloodwork that would confirm what was wrong. I didn't want anything to damper the honeymoon, and he said he wanted to marry me no matter the outcome. It was hard, learning about pcos, hearing the infertility statistics and worrying about the other complications. Infertility itself was harder. The last year, my pregnancy, complications, illness, our son's illness, surgery,'s been the hardest year of my life. I've never, ever, been so stressed, so emotional and so on the edge.

Through it all, he's been there. I've soaked every shirt he owns with tears. I've been emotional, hormonal, scatterbrained, unreliable, short tempered and in many ways not the woman he fell in love with. Not once has he thrown his arms up in the air and said "You're so not worth this."

There have been moments when he's been just as tired, just as stressed, just as ready for this crazy cloud of medical scares to blow over. He's been short tempered and short on sleep at times too. He's stood by me through all of it, keeping his vows in every way. Better, worse, rich, poor, sickness, health....and even more sickness.

When he can he makes me laugh. When he can't, he lets me cry.

We've been together almost 11 years, and he still surprises me with how sweet, funny and loving he can be. I have to remind myself that sometimes he gets scared too. We've stayed up late the last several nights talking, a bit about what's coming, a lot about where we've been, and a bit about things completely unrelated. It's been nice to have those talks. There have been a few moments where he's confessed how hard it's been on him, and a few where he's admitted he's worried about today too. Sometimes in my selfishness I've failed to notice that. I've worried so much about my fears that I didn't address his.

Today, while I'm having surgery, I get to sleep through it. Yes, my body gets to go through the wringer but I won't be aware of it at the time. I don't have to be the one sitting, waiting, worrying. He's held my hand through all of this, but for the really crappy portion of today's events he's got nobody to hold his. I feel terrible for not considering that until today.

Throughout all of this, there's been a lot of "that really sucked....but we were SO lucky" moments. So many events that could have turned out dramatically worse than they did, so many times when we were all too aware of the thin line between bad and tragic. Several people have commented on my bad luck in the last year, and honestly, I feel like I've had an awful lot of good luck. My children are here, healthy, thriving and I have had my husband to see us through all of this. Never wavering, never faltering, getting up every morning and doing what he has to do to take care of all of us.

I am so lucky to have him. There will never, ever be enough days with him.


Carrie said...

Hoping and praying that all goes well for you today. (I can't believe it's snuck up to today... where has the time gone?) Hang in there... I hope this step puts most of your issues to rest.

Jan said...

It is so true about how hard it is to be the one in the waiting room.

I had 2 miscarriages (D&Cs), various tests, a uterine septum removed and finally two c-sections all while my husband stood by waiting and being there for me. I never realized how hard it was for him until he had to have a brain MRI about a year ago and I had to sit in the waiting room for 45 minutes, wondering what they were seeing and whether he was going to be OK. That 45 minutes just about did me in -- I can't imagine the amount of time he's spent in a similar position.

Best of luck today. You are lucky to have two beautiful children and a husband who cares for you and about you so much. Let's hope after today you'll also be lucky to have your health!

I Believe in Miracles said...

Came over from L&F.

What an amazing tribute to your DH. He sounds like a fabulous guy!!

I hope your surgery goes well and the recovery is quick.

hydrogeek said...

Praying things go as perfectly as possible today...

Leslee said...

Hoping everything is going well with your surgery today and that you have a smooth recovery. It sounds like you and your husband are both very lucky :D

Jendeis said...

Hoping that you two make it through this ok.

JuliaS said...

Prayers and wishes for today.

Hope all goes well and waiting to hear back from you.

{{hugs}} from a 'hyster-sister'

Phoebe said...

I hope your surgery went well today. Wishing you well on your recovery. Sounds like you have a great support system!

Sherry said...

Came by to say my thoughts and prayers are with you today that everything goes as well as possible...hugs..

Dee said...

Hoping that all went well today and that you are recovering nicely.

Your husband is a lucky guy :-)

Take it easy on yourself as you begin the healing.