I first wrote this post on my old blog, http://www.infertilityisfunny.blog-city.com/ . That site is no longer, and my archives are gone with it - but in light of my conversation with my OB that he is not to let me out of the hospital without medication, in light of my thoughts about baby and all that comes after, I wanted to share it again.
PPD and New Motherhood
It's like being plunged into icy cold water, the kind that shocks you, makes you gasp for breath and your entire body tingles. The sounds of the outside world are muffled, voices take on an "adults in Charlie Brown's world" characteristic and while your attemps to control your flailing limbs seem to be going at super speed your limbs themselves are not. You feel heavy, lethargic and as if you are dragging dead weight.
At first you don't know which way is up, can't see well and though you KNOW what you're supposed to be doing, now that the time has arrived you find yourself doubting your abilities. What if I can't get my head above water? What if I do it wrong? Am I drowning?
Your head bobs to the surface, you search for the shore and realize for the first time not only are you disoriented, you are tired. You know the difference between day and night, it's just the difference no longer matters - the work is the same. Sometimes the waves are somewhat calm, you find yourself able to float but can't help but anticipate the next wave that will knock you under. Instead of resting and relaxing you are tensed, anxious and worrying about the next wave before it ever arrives. When it comes, it dunks you under and you wonder why you didn't take a moment to catch your breath first.
The thing is, you love the water and have lived your life waiting for a glimpse of the sea. There are times it washes over you and you think "is this real? Am I really here?" The tears aren't always those of sadness but of joy - this is what you've always wanted. And yet.
You'd give your left leg for some time on the shore. Your husband swims for a while but then gets out, does his own thing and you're still there, treading water, feeling the burn of exhaustion in your muscles. You'd even be ok with staying in the water, if he could at least stay in there with you, keep you company while you cry. You find yourself starting sentences with "I love this more than anything, " and ending them with "but..." You find yourself angry that your whole world is different and his seems less changed. You are happier than you've ever been and crying your eyes out. You've never been so completely in love or wondered so much about where the "you" you know went.
It's hard. You have all you've ever wanted, and admitting that sometimes it is too much is simply too much. Sometimes you don't even see it yourself, or you do but nobody else does.
It isn't always hard or bad or tiring. As crazy as it sounds sometimes you get a break only to find yourself wishing for the water. Therein lies the secret - getting the break, so that it is easier to tread the water.
This is what new motherhood and post-partum depression can be like sometimes. It isn't always right away, isn't every day or even all day sometimes. It can ebb & flow like the tide.
To my friends in the computer, new mommies, mommies to be...know where your life preservers are. Know the signs, but educate those close to you too. Line up help ahead of time so you can have an hour, a few, or an evening off. Find other new mommies too and spend time with them. Get out even with the baby...emotions aren't as intense when you aren't sitting in the house alone with the baby. Let your husband take over sometimes, even if he doesn't put the diapers on right or calm the little one as quickly as you can.
If you are in over your head, or even just think you might be, reach out. There's nothing wrong with wearing a life vest, even if going into the water was your idea.
Women who have dealt with infertility have a much higher incidence of post-partum depression than those who have not. Maybe because we've already had such a hormonal & emotional roller coaster, maybe because we doubt ourselves, maybe because it is so hard to admit that getting what we've always wanted comes withits own challenges. Whether it is the baby blues or ppd, there is no shame in getting help to make it easier. Being prepared is a great first step.
Monday, January 7, 2008
Bug the first, School and Lowered Expectations
Today was the first day back to school after Bug the first's winter break. I'm not sure who was more excited - me or her- but I can tell you with certainty I'm missing her way more than she's missing me. Don't get me wrong, it's nice to have a bit of a break even if that break means uninterrupted time to get some things done that seems to have passed all too fast.
I dropped her off this morning and she practically RAN into the school. Her teacher and I laughed because there was no goodbye hug and kiss, she was just gone. That's ok. It makes me feel better to know I've picked a place she loves, and as a result I love it too.
I'm also taking some comfort in the knowledge (or at least hope) that by having school in place it will be something that will remain constant for her when Bug the second arrives. Ask me later how I feel about bundling them both up in the morning to leave then then having to turn around and pick her up a mere two and a half hours later, but for now I'm hoping it's time that will help us all after the arrival.
Meanwhile, I'm struggling a bit with all the things I meant to do with my girl while she was on break. I'd had huge plans for activities, crafts, outings etc and time just got away from us. A lot of her outings ended up being to places like the L & D ward and the grocery store. Luckily for me, she didn't mind a bit. I suppose if I'm going to get rid of some of this mommy guilt, I should remember that.
I dropped her off this morning and she practically RAN into the school. Her teacher and I laughed because there was no goodbye hug and kiss, she was just gone. That's ok. It makes me feel better to know I've picked a place she loves, and as a result I love it too.
I'm also taking some comfort in the knowledge (or at least hope) that by having school in place it will be something that will remain constant for her when Bug the second arrives. Ask me later how I feel about bundling them both up in the morning to leave then then having to turn around and pick her up a mere two and a half hours later, but for now I'm hoping it's time that will help us all after the arrival.
Meanwhile, I'm struggling a bit with all the things I meant to do with my girl while she was on break. I'd had huge plans for activities, crafts, outings etc and time just got away from us. A lot of her outings ended up being to places like the L & D ward and the grocery store. Luckily for me, she didn't mind a bit. I suppose if I'm going to get rid of some of this mommy guilt, I should remember that.
If this is it...or not
We'd joked about celebrating in some form when a more safe time in this pregnancy arrived, when we reached that point where the thought of baby coming was more exciting than scary. So, Sunday afternoon, when my contractions intensified I thought "and of course we joked that celebration would likely come in the form of giving birth."
As the night when on, the contractions got stronger but still weren't of the go to hospital variety. The normal rules (5 minutes apart, for example) don't apply to me because I've been contracting so frequently for so long. Every now and then a contraction would hit and I'd think "that one just might start changing things."
We did have a bit of a celebration last night, not an attempt to induce labor or anything, just an attempt to have some fun as husband and wife. Afterward, the contractions intensified again. A few times I thought, this might just be it. I'm getting used to that feeling.
A part of me thinks after all this we just might get to full term...it's only a few more weeks and what we've had so far has mostly been false alarms or the real deal that comes to a halt. Then again, we've also joked that labor will likely hit when our daughter is at preschool and I'm in the next town trying to get things done. That is, ironically, the plan for today.
As the night when on, the contractions got stronger but still weren't of the go to hospital variety. The normal rules (5 minutes apart, for example) don't apply to me because I've been contracting so frequently for so long. Every now and then a contraction would hit and I'd think "that one just might start changing things."
We did have a bit of a celebration last night, not an attempt to induce labor or anything, just an attempt to have some fun as husband and wife. Afterward, the contractions intensified again. A few times I thought, this might just be it. I'm getting used to that feeling.
A part of me thinks after all this we just might get to full term...it's only a few more weeks and what we've had so far has mostly been false alarms or the real deal that comes to a halt. Then again, we've also joked that labor will likely hit when our daughter is at preschool and I'm in the next town trying to get things done. That is, ironically, the plan for today.
Saturday, January 5, 2008
Friday started with a call from my OB's nurse and the instructions to bring my hospital bags just in case, there was a possibility they wouldn't let me go home. This mostly due to the swelling....I've reached the point of having several times a day where my hands are so swollen I simply can't bend my fingers. A bit Barbie-ish, but at least she could wear those funky rings that were actually pegs that fit into a hole in her finger.
Anyway.
Turns out my blood pressure is fine, so the swelling is considered another minor issue but not one of worry. We'll be keeping an eye on it and my blood pressure, but for now not a huge issue. It makes typing a bit difficult and doing certain other tasks difficult -basically those that require holding anything. Ah well.
I'm still 4cm, still 80% effaced, growing bigger by the minute it seems. Before I left my appointment, my doctor said "you might just make it to term after all." We both just looked at each other for a minute, then laughed. There have been so many trips to the hospital, so many times they stopped contractions, and then the big scary trip and those following where they couldn't and ultimately decided we wouldn't try to stop labor any more. And yet, here we are. I might actually be winning the battle of the stubborns.
At times I feel I've done everything short of hang upside down to keep this baby in. It's been a roller coaster of weird things that all ultimately turned out ok, and my husband and I find ourselves a bit shell shocked sometimes. When we talk about it there's a lot of head shaking, the use of the word "crazy" and a lot of emotion.
I'd joked at one point that when the point of safety came, when I reached the milestone where the thought of the little being born was no longer scary I'd do something to celebrate. Hubby has joked that celebration will likely come in the form of giving birth. I'm ok with that. I'd originally meant something more like a pedicure, a walk through the mall (with no restrictions on how much I could walk), perhaps even sex that night. Maybe we'll do all of the above, I don't know.
What I do know is that when they say every pregnancy is different, this is not exactly what I had in mind. I remember thinking maybe I'd have more energy, or be the pregnant woman with the high sex drive (come to think of it I WAS, but couldn't do anything about it).
Today, though, all I can think about is how much I'm looking forward to that new baby smell. Thoughts of newborn cries and strangely I'm really looking forward to giving birth again, for the last time.
Anyway.
Turns out my blood pressure is fine, so the swelling is considered another minor issue but not one of worry. We'll be keeping an eye on it and my blood pressure, but for now not a huge issue. It makes typing a bit difficult and doing certain other tasks difficult -basically those that require holding anything. Ah well.
I'm still 4cm, still 80% effaced, growing bigger by the minute it seems. Before I left my appointment, my doctor said "you might just make it to term after all." We both just looked at each other for a minute, then laughed. There have been so many trips to the hospital, so many times they stopped contractions, and then the big scary trip and those following where they couldn't and ultimately decided we wouldn't try to stop labor any more. And yet, here we are. I might actually be winning the battle of the stubborns.
At times I feel I've done everything short of hang upside down to keep this baby in. It's been a roller coaster of weird things that all ultimately turned out ok, and my husband and I find ourselves a bit shell shocked sometimes. When we talk about it there's a lot of head shaking, the use of the word "crazy" and a lot of emotion.
I'd joked at one point that when the point of safety came, when I reached the milestone where the thought of the little being born was no longer scary I'd do something to celebrate. Hubby has joked that celebration will likely come in the form of giving birth. I'm ok with that. I'd originally meant something more like a pedicure, a walk through the mall (with no restrictions on how much I could walk), perhaps even sex that night. Maybe we'll do all of the above, I don't know.
What I do know is that when they say every pregnancy is different, this is not exactly what I had in mind. I remember thinking maybe I'd have more energy, or be the pregnant woman with the high sex drive (come to think of it I WAS, but couldn't do anything about it).
Today, though, all I can think about is how much I'm looking forward to that new baby smell. Thoughts of newborn cries and strangely I'm really looking forward to giving birth again, for the last time.
Thursday, January 3, 2008
Best laid plans
I attempted to move the posts from my old blog to this one, but spending several days in and out of the hospital in preterm labor meant my old blog expired before I could do so. Most of the writing was nothing special, though there were a few posts I'd have given a great deal to keep. It's my fault for procrastinating and for letting the other things going on keep me from doing what I needed to in order to save my writing. well, that and their "send a backup to yourself" feature FAILED. Completely.
Onward.
I hope my dear friends find me.
My latest update is this - contrary to popular belief, cervical dilation, signs of labor and such I am still pregnant. Nobody is more amazed than me, except it just fits.
Christmas day I felt odd. No more contractions than usual, nothing out of the ordinary really, just odd. Wednesday night I found myself having contractions three minutes apart and they felt different from my normal "contract all the time" situation. We made arrangements for someone to stay with our daughter and made our way to the hospital.
What happened next has already become a bit of a blur, but a shot of terbutaline did nothing. Magnesium sulfate did something - but it wasn't stopping labor. Instead I felt hot, claustrophobic and strapped down to a bed when I was having contractions a minute apart and my cervix was dilating. I went from .5 cm dilated to 3 in a pretty short period of time. It was finally decided the mag wasn't stopping anything so they would turn it off.
A nurse came from the NICU to explain what a baby at 34w5d would be in for, potentially, and give us the worst case scenario rundown. She left, I looked upward and said "it's in your hands. I trust you. Don't let me down."
Contractions continued for a while and then things just stopped. No more dilation, contractions petered out a bit, it just stopped.
I've had two more visits to L & D since then, and as of my last check I was 4 cm, 80% effaced and baby was at 0 to +1 station depending on who was checking. They didn't think we'd make it to 2008, but here we are...Sunday will be 36 weeks.
We wait. We watch. I contract about every 2 minutes.
Onward.
I hope my dear friends find me.
My latest update is this - contrary to popular belief, cervical dilation, signs of labor and such I am still pregnant. Nobody is more amazed than me, except it just fits.
Christmas day I felt odd. No more contractions than usual, nothing out of the ordinary really, just odd. Wednesday night I found myself having contractions three minutes apart and they felt different from my normal "contract all the time" situation. We made arrangements for someone to stay with our daughter and made our way to the hospital.
What happened next has already become a bit of a blur, but a shot of terbutaline did nothing. Magnesium sulfate did something - but it wasn't stopping labor. Instead I felt hot, claustrophobic and strapped down to a bed when I was having contractions a minute apart and my cervix was dilating. I went from .5 cm dilated to 3 in a pretty short period of time. It was finally decided the mag wasn't stopping anything so they would turn it off.
A nurse came from the NICU to explain what a baby at 34w5d would be in for, potentially, and give us the worst case scenario rundown. She left, I looked upward and said "it's in your hands. I trust you. Don't let me down."
Contractions continued for a while and then things just stopped. No more dilation, contractions petered out a bit, it just stopped.
I've had two more visits to L & D since then, and as of my last check I was 4 cm, 80% effaced and baby was at 0 to +1 station depending on who was checking. They didn't think we'd make it to 2008, but here we are...Sunday will be 36 weeks.
We wait. We watch. I contract about every 2 minutes.
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
One pill makes you smaller...
As soon as my period starts, so does the next leg of this race.
Meanwhile, I have one pill to make me start, one to begin as soon as the period comes to hopefully make me regular, and a third to start a couple days later......hopefully to make me ovulate.
I've come to the stunning realization that my husband's semen analysis showed he had 235 million sperm in his sample, while I'm having trouble producing one good quality egg. I've always been an overachiever.........so what is my problem?
Okay, I'm fine now. Except for the fact that in January, I somewhat randomly started this notion that I'll get pregnant in May. Why May? Why not. Then again, maybe its because May is when I was originally cleared to start trying again. Or, maybe it is because a baby conceived in May could be born in February, and all my psychic friends have said they were getting February when the baby question comes up. Not to mention that they get 2, 2, 2. (February 22nd?) (Twins born Feb. 2nd?) (I might get pregnant in the year 2022?)
NOTE: (Dated Dec 2007) As I'm moving these posts over from another blog, this post has new perspective. My second child is due February second, and was conceived in May. How about that folks?
Meanwhile, I have one pill to make me start, one to begin as soon as the period comes to hopefully make me regular, and a third to start a couple days later......hopefully to make me ovulate.
I've come to the stunning realization that my husband's semen analysis showed he had 235 million sperm in his sample, while I'm having trouble producing one good quality egg. I've always been an overachiever.........so what is my problem?
Okay, I'm fine now. Except for the fact that in January, I somewhat randomly started this notion that I'll get pregnant in May. Why May? Why not. Then again, maybe its because May is when I was originally cleared to start trying again. Or, maybe it is because a baby conceived in May could be born in February, and all my psychic friends have said they were getting February when the baby question comes up. Not to mention that they get 2, 2, 2. (February 22nd?) (Twins born Feb. 2nd?) (I might get pregnant in the year 2022?)
NOTE: (Dated Dec 2007) As I'm moving these posts over from another blog, this post has new perspective. My second child is due February second, and was conceived in May. How about that folks?
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