Monday, April 26, 2004

Denial and that River in Egypt

It's not possible that I'm going to be like so many others who have gone before me, is it? That I, having the same messed up disease they do (PCOS) could struggle for years and years with trying to get pregnant and never have it happen?

This weekend I had lunch with some dear, dear friends. Some made recently, some I met that day. I love these gals.....they're fabulous! There was one that I met that day though, that scared me. She said, "My husband and I have decided not to try to get pregnant and not to adopt." I was impressed. She knew what she wanted. And I was terrified.

Thoughts of what if I never were immediately followed by, AND I'M NOT SAYING THIS IS WHERE SHE WAS COMING FROM!!!, what if I can't. What if one day we realize there's no hope and I find myself sitting with women I've just met, and the subject of babies comes up. Am I going to hear myself say something like "we decided not to have kids" in order to avoid the messy "we couldn't have kids because when fertility was passed out, I was in the boob line?!" Am I going to sit and lie about what I wanted in hopes that I'll one day believe it.

Please, God, I hope not. All I want is a baby, coming soon to a uterus near me. Give me one, let me earn one, or stop making me have dreams about babies.

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