One pill makes you smaller...

As soon as my period starts, so does the next leg of this race.
Meanwhile, I have one pill to make me start, one to begin as soon as the period comes to hopefully make me regular, and a third to start a couple days later......hopefully to make me ovulate.

I've come to the stunning realization that my husband's semen analysis showed he had 235 million sperm in his sample, while I'm having trouble producing one good quality egg. I've always been an overachiever.........so what is my problem?

Okay, I'm fine now. Except for the fact that in January, I somewhat randomly started this notion that I'll get pregnant in May. Why May? Why not. Then again, maybe its because May is when I was originally cleared to start trying again. Or, maybe it is because a baby conceived in May could be born in February, and all my psychic friends have said they were getting February when the baby question comes up. Not to mention that they get 2, 2, 2. (February 22nd?) (Twins born Feb. 2nd?) (I might get pregnant in the year 2022?)

NOTE: (Dated Dec 2007) As I'm moving these posts over from another blog, this post has new perspective. My second child is due February second, and was conceived in May. How about that folks?

Welcome to my new digs, please excuse the dust - I'm working on moving a LOT of posts over. :)

My Dear Child

I've always thought that I'd know you were coming, even before you arrived. That I'd feel the change within myself, suddenly more nurturing, more kind. I have pictured the colors being more vivid, the scents more noticeable, all my senses heightened. I've thought that when the moment came that you were here, inside me, there would be no way I could miss it. How could I NOT feel different once you were here with me? Even though I know some women do it, I've always thought there was no way I could hold a miracle and not know it.

These many months, in preparation for you, I have paid attention to every last detail of how I have felt. Interpreting signs and signals, temperatures and tics, I have looked for that feeling that would tell me you were here. There was your brief appearance once, but now we both know that timing wasn't right.

This month, I feel differently about you. I am still eager and anticipating your arrival, but I don't feel frenzied or worried. I feel this unusual calm. Physically, I don't feel like I ever have before. I find myself protecting my body, smelling the flowers of spring and noticing how vibrant their colors are. Does this mean you're here?

I don't yet know.........but I think you're coming, that you're on your way whether it is in this month you arrive is yet to be seen. In the meantime, I'm ready, I'm waiting and I love you.

You will find the answer if you let it go...

I'm learning that. Slowly and surely I'm figuring out the lesson that the answers come, not always when or how we expect them, and sometimes even the lack of response is an answer.
I've been so upset at times about the fact that I didn't get pregnant right away after my honeymoon, but I've learned so much this year. I've learned things about myself, my body, my hopes and dreams. My faith has been tested and passed. I know more about who I am, what I want and how my dreams fit with my husband's.

I know now that I am surrounded by people who think I will be a great mother....that its not just that I think I will be, they are convinced of it. My cup is full to the point of overflowing, and I have begun making room for the miracle.

I believe in the miracle. I have more hopes than fears, more good than bad, more right than wrong and more love than I know what to do with.

I still worry sometimes, about what if. I still have fears. I still feel my heart pound when I think about the fact that some women, no matter how much they try or put into it......they never conceive. I'm not giving up, I'm not giving in and I'm not quitting. I believe that being a mother is one of the things I am meant to do, but it is not the only thing.........so while I wait, I am committing to work on those other things and just hoping that soon, I'll be adding the care and feeding of a baby to the list of to-do's.

Prayers for my Brother

My heart aches and I don't know how to fix it. My brother is in mortal danger and there's nothing I can do. He's left my parents' home, striking it out on his own and though his intention are as always good, he's hanging out with people who are trouble. He's trying so hard to be liked and wanted that I'm afraid he'll get himself killed. There are drugs involved, though he says he's only using occasionally and doesn't need it like they do.

I see fear in his eyes, and the weight he's lost. He confides in our sister, his twin, that it isn't due to drug use....he's only used once in the last month, but because he really isn't eating as much as he should and he's working a lot.

I'm terrified. He often speaks before thinking, and that type of behavior could get him hurt. He gets in fights. My sister is moving into an apartment this weekend and he's asked if he can stay with her for a while, to have a safe, steady place to crash. I pray that this works out. I pray that he stays away from these temptations.

I pray, I pray, I pray.

Making Room for the Miracle

Sounds a lot better than saying I'm clearing out the spare bedroom, doesn't it?!?!

Still, its the truth as I know it. I've spent several hours lately clearing out things I no longer need, want or think I'll get around to using anytime soon. I finally tossed out my chemistry lab books, as I no longer believe I need to hold onto them as proof that I once could compute formulas with the best of them. I also no longer believe anyone would care enough to want proof.
Clothes that are too small, too big, too old, too outdated....gone. Papers, books, craft supplies.....sorted, weeded and either filed or eliminated. I'm making room.

Room for what? Miracles of varying shapes and sizes.
I'm making room for myself and hoping to create a sacred space......instead of an office. A place where I can meditate, do my card readings and just feel comfy.

I'm making room for a bigger house. The last time I packed, sorted, stored away the things I wouldn't be using but need to keep in neatly labeled boxes.....things fell into place for selling our old home and buying this one. I'm making room so we can rent this house and buy another.
I'm making room for my baby, my biggest miracle. I'm shifting my focus to something else, and preparing for a time when I won't want to do a lot of heavy lifting. I gathered the quilt, books and few other things I've picked up or been given to me for my child and put them in a box marked with a "B." Not to forget about them or give up hope on conceiving, but because that is the first box that will go in the nursery in our new home. I'm sure of it.

Going through this stuff has shown me the things I've held onto, and given me insight into the reasons and the things I've held onto and didn't even realize it.

I found a picture of my hubby and I, taken several years ago, still in its broken frame. Before we were married, he did something awful. The day I found out about it.....I threw that picture onto the front lawn. He said when he found it, he thought I would never forgive him. I have, but I've never rehung that picture. Last night I bought a new frame for it. When hubby saw it, he cried. He'd told himself that unless that picture reappeared, I'd never fully forgive him for what happened.

I'm clearing out the old stuff. Making room for the miracle.

I will not obsess

There are many blessings about this journal, and one is that I don't know how to insert an audio link here. If I did, you'd hear a warbly, painful rendition of "any day now........." It would be ugly. Very, very ugly.

I remember fondly, that period of time when I thought that trying to make a baby just meant lots and lots of sex. How bad could that be?

Now, I think maybe I know too much. Basal body temperature, cervical fluid, cervical position, sexual position, ovulation, implantation, etc.......I think I might be armed with too much information. If knowledge is power, I am She-Ra and Wonder Woman combined, maybe with a little of Jem's rocking power for good measure.

Any day now, I'm going to ovulate.... Okay, so technically it will likely be in about a week. This month, I have decided to take the casual observer approach. (insert hysterical laughter here) No really, hee hee, I'm going to pay attention to what my body is doing but I refuse to obsess about it. I've got someone else to do that for me. My coordinator for the PCOS study checks the results of my progesterone test each week to see if I ovulated, and is emailing me to ask about questions, symptoms, feelings, twinges, etc. It's damn funny. Especially when she asks me when the last time was I had sex.

I don't have to obsess, I've got someone to do it for me. Should have hired her months ago!