Breathing lessons

It's somewhat ironic I find myself in the hospital, willing my son to breathe, doing everything I can to help him get deep breaths - even though it sometimes means calling the nurse in to suction him so he can take a deep breath again.

Ironic because somewhere along the way, I think I forgot how to do just that.

First there was infertility, then loss, fear of loss, pregnancy, post partum depression, secondary infertility, pregnancy, preterm labor, birth, complications, a uterine infection (yes, I've failed to mention that one) and now my son has been in the pediatric intensive care unit with bacterial pneumonia. Add another problem, non health related and totally my fault and I'm overwhelmed.

It's just too much. I can't breathe. I've been holding my breath for so long, waiting for relief, waiting for a break in the roller coaster that I'm not sure I remember how to do anything different. And you know, you need a deep breath before you can really, truly scream.

I'm trying. When I hold his teeny hand and say "just breathe baby" after they've suctioned him and he's trying to hold his breath, I try to remind myself to do the same thing.

For now, I'm glad I'm on preventative ppd meds, a deal I made with my OB long ago. They don't necessarily help me breathe, but I think they're going to help keep me from drowning.

He's slowly getting better and they've said he will go home Monday at the earliest, perhaps as late as Thursday. The test for when they'll let him go home? Whether or not he can just breathe.