I've always thought that I'd know you were coming, even before you arrived. That I'd feel the change within myself, suddenly more nurturing, more kind. I have pictured the colors being more vivid, the scents more noticeable, all my senses heightened. I've thought that when the moment came that you were here, inside me, there would be no way I could miss it. How could I NOT feel different once you were here with me? Even though I know some women do it, I've always thought there was no way I could hold a miracle and not know it.
These many months, in preparation for you, I have paid attention to every last detail of how I have felt. Interpreting signs and signals, temperatures and tics, I have looked for that feeling that would tell me you were here. There was your brief appearance once, but now we both know that timing wasn't right.
This month, I feel differently about you. I am still eager and anticipating your arrival, but I don't feel frenzied or worried. I feel this unusual calm. Physically, I don't feel like I ever have before. I find myself protecting my body, smelling the flowers of spring and noticing how vibrant their colors are. Does this mean you're here?
I don't yet know.........but I think you're coming, that you're on your way whether it is in this month you arrive is yet to be seen. In the meantime, I'm ready, I'm waiting and I love you.
Monday, May 17, 2004
Friday, May 14, 2004
You will find the answer if you let it go...
I'm learning that. Slowly and surely I'm figuring out the lesson that the answers come, not always when or how we expect them, and sometimes even the lack of response is an answer.
I've been so upset at times about the fact that I didn't get pregnant right away after my honeymoon, but I've learned so much this year. I've learned things about myself, my body, my hopes and dreams. My faith has been tested and passed. I know more about who I am, what I want and how my dreams fit with my husband's.
I know now that I am surrounded by people who think I will be a great mother....that its not just that I think I will be, they are convinced of it. My cup is full to the point of overflowing, and I have begun making room for the miracle.
I believe in the miracle. I have more hopes than fears, more good than bad, more right than wrong and more love than I know what to do with.
I still worry sometimes, about what if. I still have fears. I still feel my heart pound when I think about the fact that some women, no matter how much they try or put into it......they never conceive. I'm not giving up, I'm not giving in and I'm not quitting. I believe that being a mother is one of the things I am meant to do, but it is not the only thing.........so while I wait, I am committing to work on those other things and just hoping that soon, I'll be adding the care and feeding of a baby to the list of to-do's.
I'm learning that. Slowly and surely I'm figuring out the lesson that the answers come, not always when or how we expect them, and sometimes even the lack of response is an answer.
I've been so upset at times about the fact that I didn't get pregnant right away after my honeymoon, but I've learned so much this year. I've learned things about myself, my body, my hopes and dreams. My faith has been tested and passed. I know more about who I am, what I want and how my dreams fit with my husband's.
I know now that I am surrounded by people who think I will be a great mother....that its not just that I think I will be, they are convinced of it. My cup is full to the point of overflowing, and I have begun making room for the miracle.
I believe in the miracle. I have more hopes than fears, more good than bad, more right than wrong and more love than I know what to do with.
I still worry sometimes, about what if. I still have fears. I still feel my heart pound when I think about the fact that some women, no matter how much they try or put into it......they never conceive. I'm not giving up, I'm not giving in and I'm not quitting. I believe that being a mother is one of the things I am meant to do, but it is not the only thing.........so while I wait, I am committing to work on those other things and just hoping that soon, I'll be adding the care and feeding of a baby to the list of to-do's.
Thursday, May 13, 2004
Prayers for my Brother
My heart aches and I don't know how to fix it. My brother is in mortal danger and there's nothing I can do. He's left my parents' home, striking it out on his own and though his intention are as always good, he's hanging out with people who are trouble. He's trying so hard to be liked and wanted that I'm afraid he'll get himself killed. There are drugs involved, though he says he's only using occasionally and doesn't need it like they do.
I see fear in his eyes, and the weight he's lost. He confides in our sister, his twin, that it isn't due to drug use....he's only used once in the last month, but because he really isn't eating as much as he should and he's working a lot.
I'm terrified. He often speaks before thinking, and that type of behavior could get him hurt. He gets in fights. My sister is moving into an apartment this weekend and he's asked if he can stay with her for a while, to have a safe, steady place to crash. I pray that this works out. I pray that he stays away from these temptations.
I pray, I pray, I pray.
I see fear in his eyes, and the weight he's lost. He confides in our sister, his twin, that it isn't due to drug use....he's only used once in the last month, but because he really isn't eating as much as he should and he's working a lot.
I'm terrified. He often speaks before thinking, and that type of behavior could get him hurt. He gets in fights. My sister is moving into an apartment this weekend and he's asked if he can stay with her for a while, to have a safe, steady place to crash. I pray that this works out. I pray that he stays away from these temptations.
I pray, I pray, I pray.
Wednesday, May 12, 2004
Making Room for the Miracle
Sounds a lot better than saying I'm clearing out the spare bedroom, doesn't it?!?!
Still, its the truth as I know it. I've spent several hours lately clearing out things I no longer need, want or think I'll get around to using anytime soon. I finally tossed out my chemistry lab books, as I no longer believe I need to hold onto them as proof that I once could compute formulas with the best of them. I also no longer believe anyone would care enough to want proof.
Clothes that are too small, too big, too old, too outdated....gone. Papers, books, craft supplies.....sorted, weeded and either filed or eliminated. I'm making room.
Room for what? Miracles of varying shapes and sizes.
I'm making room for myself and hoping to create a sacred space......instead of an office. A place where I can meditate, do my card readings and just feel comfy.
I'm making room for a bigger house. The last time I packed, sorted, stored away the things I wouldn't be using but need to keep in neatly labeled boxes.....things fell into place for selling our old home and buying this one. I'm making room so we can rent this house and buy another.
I'm making room for my baby, my biggest miracle. I'm shifting my focus to something else, and preparing for a time when I won't want to do a lot of heavy lifting. I gathered the quilt, books and few other things I've picked up or been given to me for my child and put them in a box marked with a "B." Not to forget about them or give up hope on conceiving, but because that is the first box that will go in the nursery in our new home. I'm sure of it.
Going through this stuff has shown me the things I've held onto, and given me insight into the reasons and the things I've held onto and didn't even realize it.
I found a picture of my hubby and I, taken several years ago, still in its broken frame. Before we were married, he did something awful. The day I found out about it.....I threw that picture onto the front lawn. He said when he found it, he thought I would never forgive him. I have, but I've never rehung that picture. Last night I bought a new frame for it. When hubby saw it, he cried. He'd told himself that unless that picture reappeared, I'd never fully forgive him for what happened.
I'm clearing out the old stuff. Making room for the miracle.
Still, its the truth as I know it. I've spent several hours lately clearing out things I no longer need, want or think I'll get around to using anytime soon. I finally tossed out my chemistry lab books, as I no longer believe I need to hold onto them as proof that I once could compute formulas with the best of them. I also no longer believe anyone would care enough to want proof.
Clothes that are too small, too big, too old, too outdated....gone. Papers, books, craft supplies.....sorted, weeded and either filed or eliminated. I'm making room.
Room for what? Miracles of varying shapes and sizes.
I'm making room for myself and hoping to create a sacred space......instead of an office. A place where I can meditate, do my card readings and just feel comfy.
I'm making room for a bigger house. The last time I packed, sorted, stored away the things I wouldn't be using but need to keep in neatly labeled boxes.....things fell into place for selling our old home and buying this one. I'm making room so we can rent this house and buy another.
I'm making room for my baby, my biggest miracle. I'm shifting my focus to something else, and preparing for a time when I won't want to do a lot of heavy lifting. I gathered the quilt, books and few other things I've picked up or been given to me for my child and put them in a box marked with a "B." Not to forget about them or give up hope on conceiving, but because that is the first box that will go in the nursery in our new home. I'm sure of it.
Going through this stuff has shown me the things I've held onto, and given me insight into the reasons and the things I've held onto and didn't even realize it.
I found a picture of my hubby and I, taken several years ago, still in its broken frame. Before we were married, he did something awful. The day I found out about it.....I threw that picture onto the front lawn. He said when he found it, he thought I would never forgive him. I have, but I've never rehung that picture. Last night I bought a new frame for it. When hubby saw it, he cried. He'd told himself that unless that picture reappeared, I'd never fully forgive him for what happened.
I'm clearing out the old stuff. Making room for the miracle.
Monday, May 10, 2004
I will not obsess
There are many blessings about this journal, and one is that I don't know how to insert an audio link here. If I did, you'd hear a warbly, painful rendition of "any day now........." It would be ugly. Very, very ugly.
I remember fondly, that period of time when I thought that trying to make a baby just meant lots and lots of sex. How bad could that be?
Now, I think maybe I know too much. Basal body temperature, cervical fluid, cervical position, sexual position, ovulation, implantation, etc.......I think I might be armed with too much information. If knowledge is power, I am She-Ra and Wonder Woman combined, maybe with a little of Jem's rocking power for good measure.
Any day now, I'm going to ovulate.... Okay, so technically it will likely be in about a week. This month, I have decided to take the casual observer approach. (insert hysterical laughter here) No really, hee hee, I'm going to pay attention to what my body is doing but I refuse to obsess about it. I've got someone else to do that for me. My coordinator for the PCOS study checks the results of my progesterone test each week to see if I ovulated, and is emailing me to ask about questions, symptoms, feelings, twinges, etc. It's damn funny. Especially when she asks me when the last time was I had sex.
I don't have to obsess, I've got someone to do it for me. Should have hired her months ago!
I remember fondly, that period of time when I thought that trying to make a baby just meant lots and lots of sex. How bad could that be?
Now, I think maybe I know too much. Basal body temperature, cervical fluid, cervical position, sexual position, ovulation, implantation, etc.......I think I might be armed with too much information. If knowledge is power, I am She-Ra and Wonder Woman combined, maybe with a little of Jem's rocking power for good measure.
Any day now, I'm going to ovulate.... Okay, so technically it will likely be in about a week. This month, I have decided to take the casual observer approach. (insert hysterical laughter here) No really, hee hee, I'm going to pay attention to what my body is doing but I refuse to obsess about it. I've got someone else to do that for me. My coordinator for the PCOS study checks the results of my progesterone test each week to see if I ovulated, and is emailing me to ask about questions, symptoms, feelings, twinges, etc. It's damn funny. Especially when she asks me when the last time was I had sex.
I don't have to obsess, I've got someone to do it for me. Should have hired her months ago!
I will not obsess
There are many blessings about this journal, and one is that I don't know how to insert an audio link here. If I did, you'd hear a warbly, painful rendition of "any day now........." It would be ugly. Very, very ugly.
I remember fondly, that period of time when I thought that trying to make a baby just meant lots and lots of sex. How bad could that be?
Now, I think maybe I know too much. Basal body temperature, cervical fluid, cervical position, sexual position, ovulation, implantation, etc.......I think I might be armed with too much information. If knowledge is power, I am She-Ra and Wonder Woman combined, maybe with a little of Jem's rocking power for good measure.
Any day now, I'm going to ovulate.... Okay, so technically it will likely be in about a week. This month, I have decided to take the casual observer approach. (insert hysterical laughter here) No really, hee hee, I'm going to pay attention to what my body is doing but I refuse to obsess about it. I've got someone else to do that for me. My coordinator for the PCOS study checks the results of my progesterone test each week to see if I ovulated, and is emailing me to ask about questions, symptoms, feelings, twinges, etc. It's damn funny. Especially when she asks me when the last time was I had sex.
I don't have to obsess, I've got someone to do it for me. Should have hired her months ago!
I remember fondly, that period of time when I thought that trying to make a baby just meant lots and lots of sex. How bad could that be?
Now, I think maybe I know too much. Basal body temperature, cervical fluid, cervical position, sexual position, ovulation, implantation, etc.......I think I might be armed with too much information. If knowledge is power, I am She-Ra and Wonder Woman combined, maybe with a little of Jem's rocking power for good measure.
Any day now, I'm going to ovulate.... Okay, so technically it will likely be in about a week. This month, I have decided to take the casual observer approach. (insert hysterical laughter here) No really, hee hee, I'm going to pay attention to what my body is doing but I refuse to obsess about it. I've got someone else to do that for me. My coordinator for the PCOS study checks the results of my progesterone test each week to see if I ovulated, and is emailing me to ask about questions, symptoms, feelings, twinges, etc. It's damn funny. Especially when she asks me when the last time was I had sex.
I don't have to obsess, I've got someone to do it for me. Should have hired her months ago!
Friday, May 7, 2004
Past my bedtime
I've been so tired lately. "how tired are you?" I'm so tired my adrenals are fatigued. This is not a good thing.
I thought the supplements I've been on would solve the problem, they were supposed to, but apparently there are other factors. My doctor has made some new recommendations, which should be interesting.
1. No caffeine, few carbs. That's not a big deal, I cut out caffeine already and had only gone back to it because I was Sooooooooo tired. I'm already on a low-carb way of eating. (not "no carb")
2. No t.v. or computer after 8 pm. This is funny to me. Why? Because I've already stopped watching the evening news, partially because I wondered if maybe the news was preventing me from getting a good night's sleep. Apparently I could have been right.....some people are photosensitive and the light from computer screens and tv's can prevent the release of melatonin that makes us fall asleep and stay that way. (guess I'll be taping ER)
3. I'm supposed to try to always get to bed by 10, and try to sleep until at least 8, ideally 9. Yeah, but I work 8-5. Still, we own the business, and I may have to try this. Perhaps I could sleep in late, go to work at 9, and work through lunch. THAT might just work. Apparently this is a way to reprogram my clock. Sure goes against my original hope of trying to get up earlier to work out though. From what the good doc said, if we stay up past 10, our adrenals kick in to give us a second burst of energy, typically enough to sustain us until 1. So, that can make for restless sleep. And, during the period of 6-8 our adrenals work very hard.....so if I'm sleeping during that time, I can allow them to regenerate.
There were more, but the ones listed are the most dramatic changes. I can do this, and from the sounds of things, I have to do this.
sssh....my adrenals are sleeping
I thought the supplements I've been on would solve the problem, they were supposed to, but apparently there are other factors. My doctor has made some new recommendations, which should be interesting.
1. No caffeine, few carbs. That's not a big deal, I cut out caffeine already and had only gone back to it because I was Sooooooooo tired. I'm already on a low-carb way of eating. (not "no carb")
2. No t.v. or computer after 8 pm. This is funny to me. Why? Because I've already stopped watching the evening news, partially because I wondered if maybe the news was preventing me from getting a good night's sleep. Apparently I could have been right.....some people are photosensitive and the light from computer screens and tv's can prevent the release of melatonin that makes us fall asleep and stay that way. (guess I'll be taping ER)
3. I'm supposed to try to always get to bed by 10, and try to sleep until at least 8, ideally 9. Yeah, but I work 8-5. Still, we own the business, and I may have to try this. Perhaps I could sleep in late, go to work at 9, and work through lunch. THAT might just work. Apparently this is a way to reprogram my clock. Sure goes against my original hope of trying to get up earlier to work out though. From what the good doc said, if we stay up past 10, our adrenals kick in to give us a second burst of energy, typically enough to sustain us until 1. So, that can make for restless sleep. And, during the period of 6-8 our adrenals work very hard.....so if I'm sleeping during that time, I can allow them to regenerate.
There were more, but the ones listed are the most dramatic changes. I can do this, and from the sounds of things, I have to do this.
sssh....my adrenals are sleeping
Thursday, May 6, 2004
Temper Tantrum
One day my friend C. sat down, finals-weary in college, in the middle of the grocery store to sing "nobody loves me, everybody hates me, guess I'd better go eat worms." I had a similar meltdown the same semester, but her story is so much cooler.
I feel like that right now. Not the nobody loves me part, but I do feel a bit like throwing myself down on the ground, kicking, screaming and crying. Give me 30 seconds and I'll give you one good, old-fashioned temper tantrum. Sometimes I think those 2 year olds who throw themselves down and cry until there are no tears left.....they might just be on to something. I feel so much better after.
There's nothing wrong. I'm fine, really....that's the strange part. I'm hoping its just the clomid. I don't really know because I'm not supposed to know if I'm taking clomid or not. (part of a study, yada yada). I've taken clomid twice before. Once with a similar mood swing, and I ovulated that cycle...once without. I recall it fondly, that meltdown, standing in my hallway fresh out of the bathroom... crying uncontrollably telling my husband that I felt like taking meds made it official that we were trying, really trying, which meant we could fail, really fail.......and there I'd be.......lost because I hitched my dreams to a falling star.
So, though I feel emotional, hormonal, psychotic and strange.....suddenly I'm hoping that this just means that YES, I got the clomid. And, now that I've said all this......I feel better.
Catch a falling star an' put it in your pocket,
Never let it fade away!
Catch a falling star an' put it in your pocket,
Save it for a rainy day!
For love may come an' tap you on the shoulder,
Some star-less night!
Just in case you feel you wanna' hold her,
You'll have a pocketful of starlight!
I feel like that right now. Not the nobody loves me part, but I do feel a bit like throwing myself down on the ground, kicking, screaming and crying. Give me 30 seconds and I'll give you one good, old-fashioned temper tantrum. Sometimes I think those 2 year olds who throw themselves down and cry until there are no tears left.....they might just be on to something. I feel so much better after.
There's nothing wrong. I'm fine, really....that's the strange part. I'm hoping its just the clomid. I don't really know because I'm not supposed to know if I'm taking clomid or not. (part of a study, yada yada). I've taken clomid twice before. Once with a similar mood swing, and I ovulated that cycle...once without. I recall it fondly, that meltdown, standing in my hallway fresh out of the bathroom... crying uncontrollably telling my husband that I felt like taking meds made it official that we were trying, really trying, which meant we could fail, really fail.......and there I'd be.......lost because I hitched my dreams to a falling star.
So, though I feel emotional, hormonal, psychotic and strange.....suddenly I'm hoping that this just means that YES, I got the clomid. And, now that I've said all this......I feel better.
Catch a falling star an' put it in your pocket,
Never let it fade away!
Catch a falling star an' put it in your pocket,
Save it for a rainy day!
For love may come an' tap you on the shoulder,
Some star-less night!
Just in case you feel you wanna' hold her,
You'll have a pocketful of starlight!
Monday, May 3, 2004
Now I know why they call it TRYING to conceive. Trying to get pregnant, trying to time things right, trying to keep hope while trying not to get my hopes up.
CD4 today. Yesterday I started pills that will hopefully make me ovulate. I'm in a study, so there's no guarantee that these are actually clomid. *crossing fingers* At least I know I got the metformin. That one was a question, until the side effects kicked in. Still, I'm relieved......of the 2, that was the one I most wanted to be sure to get.
Yesterday I was getting ready to go to the store. My young neighbor, Ms. Julia stopped by with her buddy to say hi. As they rode away on their bikes, I turned to my husband and said, "I just want one, that's all I'm asking for." Once I wanted 3, then maybe 2........and now I'm down to just 1, please.
He said, "Yeah, if that happens in the next year or 2, that'd be great. I don't want to be old and raising kids." He's going to be 34 in June, I'll be 26. I wanted to scream. I wanted to yell, YOU are the one that took forever to be ready for marriage. YOU are the one that kept saying *I* had plenty of time and now you want to put a time limit on this?!?!?
But I didn't. I'm not angry at him, I'm angry because my plan wasn't God's. I have friends, dear sweet friends who have been trying a lot longer than me. Friends who I KNOW are going to be parents, but had they had a 1-2 year time limit would already be done trying.
So as I got into my car, I said "you can't put a time limit on this, that's too much pressure, I've gotta go" hoping to escape before my tears did. Too late. T was at the drivers side of the car, saying "things under pressure only collapse or explode......don't put pressure on it. It'll be ok."
But now I'm back to worrying. I have tried not to say the "god, I want what I want when I want it" prayer, but now I worry that if it doesn't come quickly, I may not get to keep trying.
And man, is it ever trying.
CD4 today. Yesterday I started pills that will hopefully make me ovulate. I'm in a study, so there's no guarantee that these are actually clomid. *crossing fingers* At least I know I got the metformin. That one was a question, until the side effects kicked in. Still, I'm relieved......of the 2, that was the one I most wanted to be sure to get.
Yesterday I was getting ready to go to the store. My young neighbor, Ms. Julia stopped by with her buddy to say hi. As they rode away on their bikes, I turned to my husband and said, "I just want one, that's all I'm asking for." Once I wanted 3, then maybe 2........and now I'm down to just 1, please.
He said, "Yeah, if that happens in the next year or 2, that'd be great. I don't want to be old and raising kids." He's going to be 34 in June, I'll be 26. I wanted to scream. I wanted to yell, YOU are the one that took forever to be ready for marriage. YOU are the one that kept saying *I* had plenty of time and now you want to put a time limit on this?!?!?
But I didn't. I'm not angry at him, I'm angry because my plan wasn't God's. I have friends, dear sweet friends who have been trying a lot longer than me. Friends who I KNOW are going to be parents, but had they had a 1-2 year time limit would already be done trying.
So as I got into my car, I said "you can't put a time limit on this, that's too much pressure, I've gotta go" hoping to escape before my tears did. Too late. T was at the drivers side of the car, saying "things under pressure only collapse or explode......don't put pressure on it. It'll be ok."
But now I'm back to worrying. I have tried not to say the "god, I want what I want when I want it" prayer, but now I worry that if it doesn't come quickly, I may not get to keep trying.
And man, is it ever trying.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
