I want it back.

In trying to determine how severe our complaint against the OB clinic and hospital will be, medical review board only or involving an attorney, a friend who practices law in another state asked me to consider several questions to help make the decision.

One of those questions was about damages - real and punitive - and what they were.

It was easy to total the monetary costs from a medical care standpoint. This many visits multiplied by this copay, that many visits by a different copay, prescriptions, the ER visit, etc. More difficult was things like the inability to do my job, the help we had to get with some household tasks, transportation to and from appointments, time lost, etc.

The hardest part, however, was looking at the theft of time with my children and the stress all of this has caused in our lives. No dollar amount will give my son's newborn phase back to me. It is gone forever.I prepared myself mentally and with medication not to have it stolen from me through ppd as my daughter's was, but I was still robbed by a different thief. I've been in pain since he was born. Two and a half months ago.

My daughter, with a memory better than an elephant's, will likely remember this period of time as being the one where everything was stressful, where mommy and daddy were short tempered, mommy was sick, and you know she is incredibly upset that I STILL am not allowed to take a bath with her. Something she desperately wants. Something we did together, before.

I hope that one day I will be over the trauma of all of this, but for now I feel, well, traumatized. I have changed from a person that generally trusted medical personnel to someone who will probably generally mistrust them. I have to shop for a new gyn, I have to muddle through medical records and try to determine whether there is anything I can do to prevent this from happening to someone else.

I have to try to get over the fact they almost let me die.

I want my life back, after being miserable and sick for so long. I want my smile, my bounce and my shine back. I want my friends and family to see ME again and I think they're starting to. The problem is, there are things I want back that I'm never going to get. Their negligence cost me time precious to a mother, time that I will never ever have again. I want it back, and I can't have it. I have to try to get over that too.

At the bare minimum, we'll be filing a complaint with the state review board and I think we're going to at least consult with an attorney - although thanks to all the medical bills and my inability to do my job, we can't afford to hire one. We have to see if there is a good one that will work on contingency. At least the initial consults are free.

I want my innocence back. My faith. My trust. My inherent belief that most people, given the opportunity, will do the right thing. Especially when they're holding the keys to someone's health and happiness.