Friday, April 11, 2008

Like you should all over yourself.

"You'll feel warm, then at tingling sensation in your ears, followed by the taste of a penny in your mouth, an odd smell...and then you'll feel like you've peed your pants, but you won't."

Those were the words of the CT scan technician before my scan began yesterday.

Wait. What? A CT scan? I know...I thought everything was fixed too.

Friday, as in a week ago, was the last dose of my antibiotics. By Monday I was feeling odd and as the week went on I became increasingly sore, then realized I was running a low grade fever. Again. And to think I'd been feeling so much better.

Matter of fact, even though I didn't fit the "day or two" time frame originally given to my husband by my OB, I had started feeling a lot better. Sore, but better. Then the antibiotics wore off and I started feeling worse again.

Wednesday I saw my primary care doctor, then another OB for a follow up. A CT scan was ordered to rule out things such as pelvic abscess and there is talk now of sending me to an infectious disease doctor because I've been on so many antibiotics. I should NOT be running even a low grade fever. I should not have soreness where my uterus is.

I should not hurt internally as if I just birthed my son this week. Speculum exams are supposed to be uncomfortable, not painful, but my cervix is so tender it's ridiculous. My v*agina hurts and when I told the OB that, he asked if I'd been having intercourse.

I made him wait until I stopped laughing before I answered. We haven't had sex since the first week in January. Do the math. I'll wait.

It's really hard not to doubt myself at this point. I shouldn't be hurting. I shouldn't have had to fight so long to get the infection taken care of, and now that tissue is out, I shouldn't be back to feeling sore and running a slight fever.

I should feel better.
I should be able to play with my children without pain.
I should be able to sit and not be acutely aware at any given moment that my vajayjay HURTS.
I should be able to move on with my life.
I should be able to stop checking the toilet paper for the blood they keep asking about.
I should be able to find out what is wrong with me.

Instead, I sit here and feel like I'm shoulding all over myself. I'm tired of it. tired of feeling like I'm crazy, tired of feeling like I need to start any conversation with a doctor by saying "I'm not crazy, I checked and I'm not imagining this."

No comments: